Sunday, April 22, 2007

Wish you were here

Day 27.

Sheezzz - I need another vacation!

Worked late Tuesday on a presentation for the boss, then came Wednesday, DeMolay night, Thursday I gave a big presentation to a society of security people, so when Friday came (my favorite day of all), I was ready to catch up on some long-needed rest.

I got from work Friday and was ready to start having a relaxing weekend when one of my close friends called and asked WHEN I would be arriving at the convention (truthfully, without that phone call, I probably would have missed it entirely).

So instead of relaxing, I threw on my uniform, painted on a big bright smile, and headed down to the local convention center for the weekend. Yipeee!

One the plus side, two of my best friends were there. I'll call her Dee, and I'll call him Kamm. It was Dee that had called me. She and I have been friends for over a decade. Our kids have practically grown up together. Though she and I don't spend as much time together as we used to, we still have a special bond - I trust her judgment, and I confide in her.

Kamm's friendship goes even deeper. He served with me in the Army, even worked under me for a while. I've known him for more than 20 years. He and I have been friends through thick and thin, despite marriages, divorces, jobs, kids, everything, our friendship has stood the test of time.

So thankfully, there was more to look forward to than just another weekend of Science-Fiction. It was really nice to catch up on each other's lives. It gave me a chance to tell each of them about HER, but to be honest, I was afraid of their reactions. (I really want them to like her.)

Kamm was cool about it. He knows me well enough that he didn't even question it. <laugh> He did seem impressed when I told him that SHE was actually writing back and talking on the phone with me. Sad day when you realize that your best friend would, in fact, play along with an imaginary lover, just because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Yes, Kamm - she is a real live human being. I'm not that crazy -- yet.

Dee was a little more protective. She knows that I put myself out there before, and that I risk getting hurt sometimes. Either she really cares, or she just doesn't want to hear me crying about it later on. Anyway, I thought it was a sweet gesture when she looked me in the eye and told me to slow things down. Dee is from Alaska. She's married to a really great guy, and they are talking about moving back to Alaska within the next year. Of course, nothing is ever really certain, but if she does leave, I would miss her very much.

So, I was writing this journal entry when SHE called ... wait a second ... I think it's time that she got a name. What do you think about Angel? Okay - for now, she will be Angel. Like I was saying, Angel called. She had been sick for the last few days, and her voice was still scratchy, but she said that she was starting to feel better. She thanked me for the card. :^)

Her computer was sick too, so I offered to help with some remote troubleshooting. It took a couple of hours, and we did our best to keep up a light conversation while we were working through the problem (though both of us were obviously tired).

Eventually, the computer seemed to start working again. We didn't take it all the way to completion, but the major part of the problem had been resolved. (Once again, Angel surprised me with her intelligence - she is more knowledgeable about computers than some of the people that I've worked with. Seriously, she could be a tekkie if she wanted to be).

Unfortunately, something happened during the conversation. We were both trying to be nice to each other, but we ran out of jokes and compliments, and things got heavy.

It was my fault - I should have just said goodbye when the computer started working. Note to self: It's a really stupid idea to insist on talking to someone that you want to impress when you're tired and cranky.

She's afraid that I'm putting too much into this, and she's mostly right. (The only thing I would say in my own defense is that I am usually pretty intense, so this is "normal" for me.)

Normal ... I hope not! I've spent most of my life exploring the fringe, trying to get as far away from "normal" as possible. There was a time, not too long ago, when I considered words like "normal" to be an insult. (Part of me still does.)

So, the words tumbled out of my mouth (my suave-o-meter was busted) I pushed her and she pushed back. It was clumsy. It was stupid. [We’ll have to cut that scene in post-production.] She continues to speak her truth, and I cannot help but respect her for it. It is one of her most enduring and endearing traits. I, on the other hand, continue to act like a schizophrenic monkey. One minute, cute and playful, the next, jumping up and down and throwing shit around my cage.


She is perfect, just the way she is; I know that, and I really, truly appreciate it. She must like me to some degree, or she wouldn’t be here at all. And yet, I continue to question her - to challenge her. Why? Is it some sort of rebellious act? Am I trying to defy her? Why can’t I just play nicely and stop trying to push beyond her comfort zone?

It must be hard for her. "I am here, I am there. I am perfect, I am nothing. I am a God among men, I am a lost puppy. I am solid, I am vapour." Truthfully, I shouldn’t expect anyone to understand. I need to get a grip on myself, or I’m going to drive both of us completely crazy. (Fortunately for me, that will be a very short trip.)

This behaviour must stop. I don’t need to test her, and I certainly don’t want to push her away. There is no future, there is only now. She is right, I know. I just don't like to admit it.

Monday’s Dinner Menu: a large order of "thankful for what I’ve got", followed by a steaming portion of "sorry for playing the part of an insensitive prick". I know what bothers her, and I’m going to stop using it to create distance between us.

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