Transposition

Day 20.

Played billiards with my son both yesterday and today. His skills are quite good, so he tends to beat me more often than not. (That's okay, I'm not a sore loser. Really. Wouldn't you rather play foosball instead? I'm better at that.)

While playing today, I couldn't help but notice two lovers at a nearby table. The man's appearance was at best, "nondescript", but she was sort of cute. She was definitely all-girl, wearing a pink shirt that buttoned down the front, and a white camisole underneath. Her hair was pulled back in a pony-tail, much like my girl's hair on the day that I met her.

The two were definitely in love (lots of kissing and such), and I kept thinking to myself, "What the hell are you doing here?" Because in my mind, if I went to pick up my girl and she was looking so (mmmm) edible, we would have never made it out the door; I'd have taken here right there and then, right in the doorway. Goodbye little buttons!

Last week, I couldn't even notice another girl. My restless eyes were sifting through the thousands of faces that I'd see each day - hoping that one of them, by some miracle, would be HERS. I have grown very tired of seeing everyone BUT her. <sigh>

But now, this week, instead of being blind to all women, I am starting to see little bits of HER in each of them. Yes, she has legs like that. Yes, she smiles like that. Yes, she might wear a shirt like that. Yes, I bet she could kiss me like that.

This is what I call "transposing" her into my world. There are no women here that interest me, so whenever I can, I replace them with her. Now, everywhere I look, I see more of her. It leaves me in a state of constant arousal.

Then, the thought occurs to me: "What if SHE is doing the same thing at this very moment?" Furthermore, what if she isn't just looking at someone, but instead is giving herself to him physically and thinking of me while it is happening?

"Thinking of me while giving herself to someone else" - - is that thought supposed to be comforting? Because it isn't working!

It makes perfect sense that an attractive woman like her never has to be alone. She is self-empowered; she doesn't owe me or anybody else anything at all. No man has any right to claim her. Damned few men will even get the chance to hold her. Especially people that live halfway across the frakkin' continent, right pal?

If I attempt to control her, I will lose her. If she falls into the arms of another (because my arms are nowhere near), I could also lose her. So the only way that I have any hope of winning her heart is to let her be human, to let her be free, to not put any expectations on her - even if that means that she might be "hooking up" with some frakkin' meathead from time to time. [Kitty's got an itch, meow, meow ...]

Okay - so if WE ever talk about this, I have 3 requests to make of her:

(1) I don't want to know. [Even if I ASK, I don't want to know...]
(2) Please don't let him into your heart; I would like you to reserve that for me, alone.
(3) Please use protection; babies and sexual diseases really turn me off.

This has left me feeling sad.
I don't like to think of her this way.
I think I'll just go to bed.