Still

 

... that doesn't stop me from loving every single one of them, though. <sigh>

 

Meixd mseesges

Women are crazy.

At the end of the day, when I stop and think back over all of the verbal and nonverbal messages that I've received, I can only come to the conclusion that the female of the species (our species), is totally out of their minds for the majority of their adult lives.

I've got to stop trying to figure them out. There is no solution.

Family reunion 1of4

Okay, so last week I was eating a cup of jello & fruit (only 80 calories per serving!), and I got a call from my mother. She told me that her side of the family was having a last-minute, "emergency" family reunion in Dallas, Texas.

Normally, I try to avoid any sort of last-minute family event, because they never seem to turn out quite right, but in this case, I decided to throw caution to the wind and try to make it.

The last-minute airline tickets were VERY expensive ($500 each for Steven and I), and there are certainly other things that I should be spending my money on, but again, I decided to take the risk and go anyway.

On top of all that, I knew that I needed to work at least one day over the weekend, so the best I could do would be to fly down Saturday around noon, and then fly back the next morning. Still, even then, something told me that this was the right thing to do.

<continued ... here ...>

If Only

It seems so long since I last saw her ... seems like a lifetime ago. I'm caught in the limbo between my wants and her needs. I want so much to be near her. I want to hold her again. Every bone in my body wants to be there with her. But she needs space. Lots of space. And if I try to come any closer, she would likely run away. <She is the wild mustang, and I am the horse whisperer.>

This is a time for patience. Lots of patience. Our relationship thus far has been based on respect for each other's boundaries. I don't want to screw that up.

<sigh> This isn't easy at all.

I Seek The Grail

Day 82.

"The greatest discovery of any generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude."
                            William James (1842-1910)

It's been six weeks since Adam arrived. The change so far is quite noticeable. I've lost fifteen pounds so far. My pants are so loose that they simply don't fit anymore. (I've taken in the last notch on all of my belts, and even that isn't helping.)

People say that I'm hardly recognizable. Although the loss in weight is definitely part of the difference, I think there is more to it. My habits are changing. My attitude is changing. I am no longer the same person that I used to be.

Part of me is sad to see the "old me" fading away. I look back at the past ten years, and there are lots of things that are worth keeping. I did some things right, after all.

But the new me is stronger, more confident, better equipped to handle the tasks that lie ahead.

My body has grown younger, but my mind is still seasoned. Does this combination work? Will it be enough? Is it possible to gain the confidence of youth while holding on to the wisdom of age?

And what if?

What if I grab hold of this second chance, and screw that up as well? Will it have been a wasted effort? It seems that it would be even worse to make the same mistakes again. Am I doomed to keep living the same, sad dream, over and over again? Am I simply destined to live in isolation? Can I escape my past?

Hmmm.

Well, for today, I choose to think that I CAN make a difference. And for perhaps the first time ever, I choose to apply this power in my own life. <To make a difference in moi.>

For decades, I have worked to bring out the best in other people. For years, I have labored to make their lives just a little bit better; a little bit brighter. <This has been, and continues to be, the driving passion in my life.>

Today, I am taking that lesson home. I am changing myself. And though the transformation is not yet complete, I can already feel the difference. If I die tomorrow, it will be with the knowledge that I was on the right path.

But wait ... Am I worthy of the life that I have been given? <This question always haunts me.>

Life is so unfair. So many undeserving people seem to reap the rewards and plunder the bounty. Though they have done nothing to earn their keep, they sit at the table and feast, while others (in my mind, more deserving) go hungry, day after day.

I am already blessed beyond belief. Who am I to believe that I am worthy of anything more?

And yet, I find myself here. Wanting more. Believing that I can DO more. Believing that I can BE more.

I am humbled by the fact that there are so many others who cannot make this choice for themselves. Who chooses to be sick, or poor? Who chooses to be born in a war zone; to live in a country without water; to suffer each day until they die?

I am angered by the thought that there is a God somewhere who allows all of this to happen. Should we be reading the book of Darwin? (Seems like it would be a lot more appropriate to this life.) "Do unto others before they do it to you". It's a dysfunctional frakking planet.

I cannot escape the belief that "those of us that have enough are supposed to share with those that have too little".

I try to share. I do my part. But am I doing enough? Maybe I am one of those undeserving people who exalts himself at the expense of others. (I hope not, but I acknowledge the possibility.)

What incredible arrogance, what guile, then - to ask foranything at all?

And yet, I stand here, with my empty plate, asking for "a love that will not end". Hoping to add one more joyous experience to a life that has (in truth) known very little sorrow.

But I tell you the truth, friends - I would trade it all.

I would give up everything I own, everything that I have accomplished. I would give up my comfortable home, my health, my knowledge, my life if need be.

Just to know - real love, mutual love, love without end.

This is the grail. My grail. I will find it, or I will die trying.

Cyclical redundancy

Alright, I admit it. I spent the whole day Sunday working on my "MySpace" site. Please try to understand that this was a very painful step for me. {I resisted joining the fray for as long as I could, but in the end, I collapsed under the societal pressures.}

I hold David Hewlett partially responsible for this turn of events.

Why? Three reasons: (1) A good friend of mine sent me an absolutely charming letter explaining how I consistently amaze her with my writing abilities <thanks, Bev!> furthermore, she informed me that I am one of the few men with the ability to express my emotions so well, and that this reminded her of David Hewlett. (2) I have always had a positive impression of Mr. Hewlett (based on the characters he plays), and I am rarely compared to any celebrity, so the above event was definitely fuel for my ego. (3) I did some checking, and found that David is a self-professed Internet Geek, and he maintains his own MySpace site. (Which lends some credibility to their services, in my opinion).

I have already linked that site to this one, but I thought it might be good to link this one to that one as well. My only concern is that by doing so, I will be creating an endless loop (are at the very least, a cyclical reference) within the Internet itself. {If A points to B, and B points to A, there is the possibility of crashing every computer system known to man!}

So, here it is - on the forensic record - just in case THIS becomes the fatal message that causes all of modern society to grind to a complete standstill. (Note: if that really happens, you are probably reading this message several years after I originally wrote it.)

The link to my MySpace site is ..... <ahem>

http://www.myspace.com/dougstaubach

And with that, I am off to work (yep, I stayed up all night working on it - but the results were worth it).

Best wishes, world. (Hope the Internet is still alive when I wake up!)

 

Everywhere a test

Annoyance #1:
I quit cigarettes one month ago (for the 100th time), but I didn't actually give up nicotine (instead of quitting cold turkey, I decided to switch to "Nicorette Brand Nicotine Lozenges - now available in three delicious flavors!"). Ugh - the darned things are more addictive than the cigarettes!! And they have a side-effect, too - I lose my sense of smell. Not entirely, but very noticeably. So, after taking these lozenges for a month, I tried to go without them for two days ... the withdrawals were bad enough, but then I noticed that I could smell again. ICK! There are so many things that STINK in this world! I could smell mechanical fumes in my car, chemicals on people's lawns, and the stench of dirty cooking oil when I passed by the fast food restaurants. ICK! It took only two days for me to put myself back on the lozenges. Will I ever really break the habit?

Annoyance #2:
I'm taking a test for a new professional certification this Saturday (I'm going to add some more letters after my signature block). Since I already have the hardest certification, this one is supposed to be easier, but the people that made it use different terms to refer to the same concepts. In addition, it's one of those tests that contains tricky questions and answers (they purposely try to mislead the reader into making simple mistakes based on grammar or tense. Note to test creators: This is a very stupid way to design a test. I know this material inside and out. I could write my own book on the subject. And yet, I disapprove of the way that you are presenting this material. Just ask straight questions and let people pick straight answers - it's so much better that way! When you create tricky tests, you tend to attract people that memorize words; that's okay for short-term knowledge, but it doesn't PROVE anything. Long-term knowledge can only be tested by essay questions or simulated situations. Get it together folks!

Annoyance #3:
When I try to quit nicotine, I seem to get annoyed a lot - even at little things that wouldn't normally annoy me. { What the hell is that all about ??!?!!? }

Note to self: It would be a good idea to avoid talking to people when I'm trying to quit nicotine. I'm not a very nice person when I'm having withdrawal symptoms.

Senses reeling

And now I'm behind glass.

                  I'll talk to you.

The telephone line's blind.

                  You have defaced my face.

...

We are close - we - are hurt.

                  So that was love.

And love she kills me.

                  It needs to, so.

<...Gary Numan,"Please Push No More"-Lyrics-Video...>