The Next Level

Day 65.

We had a great conversation (again) last night. It seems that we can talk about anything and everything. She makes me laugh so much, my side hurts {moo!}.

She is so ... right for me.

It's a little bit scary, but it's also quite awesome.

 

Assembly required

Purchased a new weight training machine today. Decided to save myself $95 in delivery and setup charges by assembling the pieces myself ... finally finished the job five hours later (whew).

Walked several miles, did some light housecleaning, and watched a movie ("Stranger Than Fiction"). Interesting story, but I'm thinking that "Bandidas" will be more enjoyable. (Penelope Cruz and Selma Hayek = muy caliente'!!)

Tomorrow I have homework to do. (Finally found a copy of "Love Actually").

Life is good.

The sweetest debt

Day 57.

We had a good talk last night.

When the conversation first started, we were both a little rough around the edges. It had been several days since we had spoken, and the words just didn't "flow" as gracefully as they usually do.

She explained that she hasn't been feeling well lately, and (like me), she tends to avoid other people when she is trying to heal. I explained that I have been a little cranky lately due to lack of nicotine (oh yeah, I quite smoking when Adam arrived).

At that point, it was already late. We could have simply ended the conversation there and gone to bed. Nothing wrong with that - it would have been a perfectly acceptable thing to do; and any normal person probably would have done so.

But then, the two of us have never been "ordinary".

The conversation went deeper. We shared some mutual frustrations about not being contacted by the other person (and defended our reasons for not being the one to initiate contact). It may sound silly, but in the final analysis, neither one of us wanted to call the other person, because we were both trying to show kindness and respect for the other person. (For example, she didn't want to call too late in the evening, and I didn't want to bother her on the weekends, because are her workdays).

Consider that thought for just a moment. We caused frustration for ourselves and each other, because we were genuinely trying to be considerate. Isn't that a beautiful thing? I mean, if we had allowed this to happen because we were trying to be selfish or mean-spirited, there would have been an entirely different lesson to be learned. But how can one stay angry at the other, when it becomes clear that the MOTIVES behind their actions were good and right?

So once again, we shared our innermost thoughts with each other. Once again, we left ourselves open to analysis and criticism from the other. And once again, we came away with a better understanding and a higher opinion of each other.

Unlike so many other people in my life, SHE is willing to challenge me when I am being pig-headed. SHE is willing to be the voice of reason when I start to lose touch with reality. SHE speaks softly, firmly - echoing the lessons of trust, honesty, and acceptance.

These are virtues that I once wore like a brilliant coat of arms. But slowly, over the years, I allowed myself to become disenchanted, jaded, and dark. My optimism and faith had been subjected to a slow decay, the crisp edges had started to rust and I wasn't even aware of how tarnished I had really become.

Thus, it is an especially strange feeling for me, when I find myself listening to her gentle reminders; when she takes the time to correct areas that I once had mastered.

I am so thankful to have this woman in my life. I am so fortunate to have met her. Since that first day, she has been a source of motivation and strength for me. She inspires me to be a better ME. She reminds me to be gentle with myself and others. She has the courage to tell me when I'm behaving badly. She is patient and wise beyond her years. She is so right for me, on so many levels, and I thank God for bringing us together.

I am beginning to shed the ugly shell that I had wrapped myself in for so many years. My mind and my body are starting to recover from years of abuse and neglect. And to a large degree, SHE was the catalyst that got it all started.

I owe her the sweetest of debts. A debt that can never be repaid. She didn't just give herself to me, she has given me back myself. There is no gift that is more valuable to a man; no treasure that can compare. This is her gift. This is her magic. She gives it freely. She gives without end. And now, she has given it to me.

Other men would kill or die to experience her the way that I do. Truly, I am the luckiest man in the world, and I feel blessed to have this woman in my life. Her beauty shines from within, and it casts away shadow and doubt. No woman has ever been more deserving of love and respect. She is the rarest of diamonds, and I adore her.

I won't question it any more. I will simply accept it. (Thank you, Angel.)

Crazy

Missing you.

Riding the tide

Day 50.

Conversations that last through the night.
Dreams, confessions, mistakes, obsessions.
Risking more than we have ever risked before.

Breaking through the walls, brick by brick.
How deep can we go? How close can we get?
Stepping into the void, onward to uncertainty.

Hoping for the best, bracing for the worst.
(Can I trust you more than I trust myself?)
I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want me to get hurt.

Please don't terminate this connection.
Please don't terminate this connection.

Nobody makes me feel the way that you do.
Nobody makes me think as much as you do.
There is nobody else like you.

Two people lost in the ocean.
Holding on to nothing but each other.
(Shhhh. Don't let go. I am here.)

Is this love, or is it need?

Inside my chrysalis

The workout programs are starting to have a positive effect.

Went 3 miles after work today and hardly even broke a sweat (by contrast, I had real problems going 1 mile 10 days ago). Arms and shoulders are starting to become more defined, and legs are getting stronger. Frankly, I didn't expect to see results this quickly, but I am certainly not complaining <... well, actually, I do complain sometimes ... but that usually happens while I'm exercising, not when I'm here at the keyboard ...>

I feel good! I mean really GOOOOOD. (Lots of energy, no aches or pains).

Adam surprised me by neatly organizing everything in the kitchen (it occurs to me that he arranged things almost exactly the way that I would have, which leads me to believe that men are slightly better at organizing things into logical groupings (sorry, ladies).

Busy day tomorrow - the big boss wants to talk with me.

My favorite plum

My favorite plum
     hangs so far from me
See how it sleeps
     and hear how it calls to me

See how the flesh
     presses the skin,
It must be bursting
     with secrets within,

But, I've seen the rest, yes
     and that is the one for me
I've seen the best, yes
     and that is the one for me

<...Suzanne Vega,"My Favorite Plum"-Lyrics-Listen...>

Clumsy

Last night, I accidentally dropped a priceless vase.

I don't think it will be totally broken.

However, it might be permanently chipped.

I hope she forgives me.

No rest

Day 43.

So tired.
The work never ceases.
Coming home late.
Again.
The house is asleep.
Again.
All work and no play.
Leaves me...
So tired.

Good enough

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

<...Evanescence,"Good Enough"-Lyrics-Listen...>

Adam arrives

Adam arrived on Friday.

Per our arrangement, I am providing him with a room (all utilities paid), and in exchange, he will be my personal fitness counselor.

He seems like a pretty good guy; shares many of the same values and some of the same experiences as I do. He gets along well with my son also (truth be told, they are closer in age to each other than to me), and he definitely takes his work seriously. On his first day here, he gave us a nutritional class. Everything in the refrigerator was cleaned out, and we started with a fresh supply of "real" food.

On his second day, he went out and bought an Olympic weight-lifting set (which of course, I will reimburse), and created a workout area in the basement. He also showed me the electronic records that he will use to track our progress (calories consumed at each meal, workout routine, and weight lost). I was impressed.

On day three, we bought new running shoes and weight-lifting gloves. For the last two days, we've been working on diet - starting tomorrow morning (Monday), and for every weekday thereafter, we will be getting up early, running three miles, then working out with weights for about 45 minutes. He says results should come quickly, and I believe the plan he has laid out should do the trick.

Although I don't look forward to the initial pains and aches, I am looking forward to the final outcome. My goal is to look as good as I did when I got out of the military; to break some bad habits, and replace them with healthy habits.

While it is true that SHE is the catalyst that caused me to take the first steps, I know that I am ultimately doing this for myself. Already, I feel good about making this decision, and I know that in a few weeks, I will be rewarded for my efforts.

Be prepared to hear some moaning and groaning in the short-term, though.

Love monkey

Day 36.

"Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other." 
                            Euripides, Orestes (408 BC)

In the beginning, she was mostly a dream.
Slowly, the dream started to fade.
Where once were dreams, reality started to set in.
And the strangest thing happened.

To my surprise, I found that the real HER was much better than the fantasy.
Like replacing whipped cream with a four-course dinner.
She has substance, she has flavour, she exists.
And she is much better than I could have ever imagined.

Peeling the onion

Bear with me here ... analogy time:

It is my belief that the personality of every human being is composed of layers. We all have a protective shell, but underneath are a series of softer layers, each one a little bit deeper; each one protected by the layers above. You have to penetrate through those layers to get to the the center of the person - the core; and this task is impossible unless the other person trusts you enough to let it happen.

Speaking for myself, I only reveal a few layers to most people (regardless of how long I might know them). I tend to expose a few more layers to family and friends, but even then, there are some limits to how much I am willing to reveal. My deepest layers are revealed only to my closest friends; it is rare that I trust someone with that level of knowledge. {"Knowledge is power."}

We had a good talk the other day.

The conversation skipped around from lighthearted, to deep. From playful to serious. Both of us revealed things that we normally wouldn't. It was a game of truth or dare, but each time one of us took a turn, we were always choosing truth.

The conversation lasted almost six hours. (Thank goodness for unlimited long distance, right?) After all was said and done, I was physically and emotionally drained. Nevertheless, I can't think of anything that I would rather be doing, nor anyone else that I would rather be doing it with. {Okay, sex might be the one exception...}

It seemed that no topic was off-limits. We talked about values, goals, childhood experiences, and yes, we also talked about sex.

It was during this conversation, that I chose to reveal one of my deepest, darkest, and most closely guarded secrets. A layer so deep and so personal, that I have never revealed it to anyone else. {Actually, I did talk about it once with a psychologist, but those sorts of conversations don't really count, right?}

Since the beginning, she has always been very accepting of me. Though at times I find it dofficult to believe, she actually seems to like me just the way that I am (flaws and all, no bullshit). For that reason alone, I made the decision to trust her; to reveal this hidden truth about myself, and to believe that she would continue to accept me regardless.

So - she listened, and once again she accepted me. Even more, she validated me. She could have reacted a thousand different ways, and the results could have been disastrous for me. Instead, she took the high road. She responded with understanding and compassion.

To anyone who was not yet experienced the liberation of being able to reveal yourself completely to another human being, I implore you to do so ... as quickly as possible.

In the days since then, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. After being "the rock" for so many others who shared their innermost thoughts, this time it was my turn to let go, and it felt good. Real good.

She is a blessing to me in so may ways.

Thank you, Angel.