Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The sweetest debt

Day 57.

We had a good talk last night.

When the conversation first started, we were both a little rough around the edges. It had been several days since we had spoken, and the words just didn't "flow" as gracefully as they usually do.

She explained that she hasn't been feeling well lately, and (like me), she tends to avoid other people when she is trying to heal. I explained that I have been a little cranky lately due to lack of nicotine (oh yeah, I quite smoking when Adam arrived).

At that point, it was already late. We could have simply ended the conversation there and gone to bed. Nothing wrong with that - it would have been a perfectly acceptable thing to do; and any normal person probably would have done so.

But then, the two of us have never been "ordinary".

The conversation went deeper. We shared some mutual frustrations about not being contacted by the other person (and defended our reasons for not being the one to initiate contact). It may sound silly, but in the final analysis, neither one of us wanted to call the other person, because we were both trying to show kindness and respect for the other person. (For example, she didn't want to call too late in the evening, and I didn't want to bother her on the weekends, because are her workdays).

Consider that thought for just a moment. We caused frustration for ourselves and each other, because we were genuinely trying to be considerate. Isn't that a beautiful thing? I mean, if we had allowed this to happen because we were trying to be selfish or mean-spirited, there would have been an entirely different lesson to be learned. But how can one stay angry at the other, when it becomes clear that the MOTIVES behind their actions were good and right?

So once again, we shared our innermost thoughts with each other. Once again, we left ourselves open to analysis and criticism from the other. And once again, we came away with a better understanding and a higher opinion of each other.

Unlike so many other people in my life, SHE is willing to challenge me when I am being pig-headed. SHE is willing to be the voice of reason when I start to lose touch with reality. SHE speaks softly, firmly - echoing the lessons of trust, honesty, and acceptance.

These are virtues that I once wore like a brilliant coat of arms. But slowly, over the years, I allowed myself to become disenchanted, jaded, and dark. My optimism and faith had been subjected to a slow decay, the crisp edges had started to rust and I wasn't even aware of how tarnished I had really become.

Thus, it is an especially strange feeling for me, when I find myself listening to her gentle reminders; when she takes the time to correct areas that I once had mastered.

I am so thankful to have this woman in my life. I am so fortunate to have met her. Since that first day, she has been a source of motivation and strength for me. She inspires me to be a better ME. She reminds me to be gentle with myself and others. She has the courage to tell me when I'm behaving badly. She is patient and wise beyond her years. She is so right for me, on so many levels, and I thank God for bringing us together.

I am beginning to shed the ugly shell that I had wrapped myself in for so many years. My mind and my body are starting to recover from years of abuse and neglect. And to a large degree, SHE was the catalyst that got it all started.

I owe her the sweetest of debts. A debt that can never be repaid. She didn't just give herself to me, she has given me back myself. There is no gift that is more valuable to a man; no treasure that can compare. This is her gift. This is her magic. She gives it freely. She gives without end. And now, she has given it to me.

Other men would kill or die to experience her the way that I do. Truly, I am the luckiest man in the world, and I feel blessed to have this woman in my life. Her beauty shines from within, and it casts away shadow and doubt. No woman has ever been more deserving of love and respect. She is the rarest of diamonds, and I adore her.

I won't question it any more. I will simply accept it. (Thank you, Angel.)

No comments: