Greatest gift

"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers."

Thich Nhat Hanh
(Vietnamese Buddhist Monk)

Shame

Sometimes
I look back
at who I used to be
and I am ashamed.

I've paid my pennance
I've saved my soul
But I cannot go back
and erase the past.

All I can do
is be the best me
that I am today
no more.

Blue funk

I woke up blue today.
And I'm not sure just why.
Everything else is so golden.

The Boys had a Christmas Party last night.
Everybody was thrilled to meet Eve.
I danced for the first time in years.

I guess my soul is used to being sad.
Why can't I just enjoy being happy?
(Actually, I do, most days).

But today I'm a little bit blue.
I don't know why.
Hope I feel better soon.

Four letter word

It's a silly, impractical word.
Quite often, it's rhymed with a bird.
Or a thing on your hand,
"All you need" sang that band,
Up over your head, there's a third.
A silly, impractical word.

And the number of letters is four.
Such a big deal should have many more.
Though God has just three,
there's two in the word me,
so I suppose less could be more.
The number of letters is four...

<-- Final Frontier by Loudon Wainwright -->

Along came Eve

Her name is Eve.
(Well, at least that's how you folks will know her.)

She came out of nowhere, yet she was right beside me all the time.
At first she was a paradox, a puzzle, a source of fascination.
There was something about her - but what, I couldn't tell.
Little by little, I got to know her.
Little by little, I liked what I found.

Truthfully, she is a lot like me.
So much sometimes - it seems like we're kindred.
We've been friends for almost two years, but never got close.
Eve recognized my love for Angel, and she saw that I was happy.
In fact, she was the first to know; I'd never told anyone else.
She offered her friendship, unconditionally, no interference.

But after a while, things started changing.
She began to really like me, and I had a decision to make.
Hold out for a dream, or open myself up to a possible reality?
I was confused. I needed time to think. She let me.

As if by fate, Angel called me two days later.
When I told her about Eve, Angel seemed happy.
She told me that I was free, and that she might never be.
She said that I was too precious to be left on a shelf.

I thanked her,
and then I cried,
for two days.

Eve listened sympathetically to my sobbing explanation:
"She set me free", I croaked, "and I was hoping that she wouldn't".
She cradled my heart in her hands and rocked me gently to sleep.

Ode to Angel

In the beginning, God sent an angel.

She melted through my defenses, one by one, until I was breathing again.
I suppose it was only natural for me to fall hopelessly in love with her.
If for no other reason, than out of sincere and heartfelt gratitude.
She noticed me; listened to me; accepted me, like nobody else ever had.
And though I really did try - in my feeble way - to win her heart,
I came at long last to understand and accept the truth about angels:
that they are never meant to be captured or owned; it simply isn't possible.
You just have to appreciate them as they are (and Angel - - I really do).

I will always be thankful for the joy she brought into my world.
She has earned my trust and my friendship for as long as we both live.
There are memories there, that time will never erase.

Thank you, Angel, for your patience, courage, and honesty.
Thank you, Angel, for seeing more in me than I could see in myself.
Thank you, Angel, for bringing me back down to Earth - - gently.
And thank you, for being my friend.

Waking up from emotional coma

Day 258.

Sorry for the silence - - I am ready to begin writing again.

Those that have been with me since Day 1 will notice that the name of this journal has been changed. The old name just didn't fit anymore, for a number of reasons. I'll keep the address the same, though. (The number 360 was always intended to have a double meaning: there are 360 degrees in a circle, and I'll leave it at that).

Things have changed a lot over the last couple of months, but the theme of re-birth and transformation still remains strong. I was so frozen - so lost - for so long. Now that I am alive again, I swear that I will never go back to my old ways. I'd rather take the risk of feeling real, gut-wrenching pain than to live in an icy stronghold, safe from harm, but unable to connect with others. For the first time in a long time, I can see with true eyes again. I want to drink each day like nectar. I want to experience life to the fullest. This might seem obvious to others, but it's new to me (hence this journal).

Welcome again, friends. Welcome back to my journey.
And thanks for being part of it with me.

Abundantly blessed

My life is so wonderful.
I am so incredibly blessed.
Good family, good friends, good health, good job.
It's more than anyone could hope for.
I am overflowing with love.
and I am thankful.
<sigh>