Tuesday, April 17, 2007

No more fear

How does feel to save a life? How does it feel to save ten or twenty?
My answer? It simply feels like relief.

The first two times, I really didn't think about it. In both cases, the people involved were close family. They were in trouble; they needed help, and I reacted the way that I was supposed to; they way that I should have. It had nothing to do with training; it had nothing to do with courage; it was pure and simple instinct. When the time calls for it, you can't afford to think - you just take action, as calm and as quick as you can. That's the difference between making it and losing it - if you pause, it's too late. If you panic, you only make the situation worse. You have to do it without thinking too much.

As my life went on, I got better at it. Car wrecks #1 though #3 were a little too quick for me, but by the time wrecks #4 and #5 came along, my senses were getting pretty good. Fast, but not fast enough; I saved at least one life, but I couldn't avoid harm altogether (wreck #4 almost snapped my back, and wreck #5 crushed my leg). Years later, wreck #6 seemed like it was happening in slow motion; so slow that I probably could have climbed into the front seat and taken the wheel (maybe I could have prevented that one altogether; though the final result was no injuries, which was fine by me).

I was completely ignorant of fire #1, but when fire #2 came along, I was quick to jump into action (that event could have claimed twenty, easily). Fire #3 came ten years later, but I was way ahead of it (I asked the building owner to recharge the extinguishers three days before the event happened). An event became a non-event, again.

On a warm summer's night in Germany, I foolishly decided to test fate (mind you, I was young, cocky, and totally drunk at the time). The legend, so they say, is that I calmly walked up the stairwell to the third floor, said "hello" to the guard on duty, walked to the end of the hallway, opened the window, and jumped out onto the pavement. The guard ran to the open window to see what had happened, but I wasn't there. A minute or so later, I walked back up to the third floor, said goodnight to the guard on duty, opened the door to my room, and fell onto my bed to sleep.

Then one day, about nine years ago, I faced death from a source that I would never have imagined. The person that I loved most in the world had turned against me, and I was caught totally off-guard. (This was "facing a loaded gun incident #2").

Although the weapon was never fired, that event wounded me gravely. More than anything else, it broke my heart. From that day forward, I was unable to trust again. I wanted to, and I really tried to, but it just wasn't in me any longer.

"But why?", you say. 'Why is any of this important now?"

The answer is this: because SHE has the power to heal me.

Since I met her, I have been regaining my strength, my senses, my will. I had been thirsty for so long, and yet she fills me up; like a cool stream of crystal-pure water on parched lips. Sometimes it feels like I cannot get enough.

She nourishes me; she feeds me truth. She accepts me for what I am; she sees the man inside the beast. She has restored my sense of trust. She fills me up.

Based on what I have seen so far, I think that she must also be charmed, and if that is the case, then there is nothing more for me to fear. Since I already knew that I could protect myself and those around me, it is comforting to know that she is fully capable of protecting herself also.

From this day forward, I will not fear for her safety. Instead, I will believe in her ability to respond well to every situation.

I should have known that she would be my equal. If she was anything less, we would have never met. True, her talents are different than mine, but she is just as powerful; just as bright.

Canada - pay attention!
An angel walks amongst you!
How many do not recognize her?
Humble yourselves, and be glad.

Everywhere my lady goes,
everything she touches,
is made better, brighter, and richer.
Her grace adorns your city.

Good night, angel.
I believe in you.

Thank you for healing me.

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