Thursday, June 19, 2008

No more hurt; no more fear

We've both been so abused in the past.
It's easy to understand why we started to fear certain situations.

I am ashamed when I look back at my behavior over the last couple of months.
When we first met, I was so confident and carefree (and - gasp! even fun?!)
And then, I started to doubt my own worth; my place in the relationship.
I became paranoid and suspicious.

When something happened to hurt my feelings, I believed that it was done on purpose.
Instead of believing in the best possible outcome, I focused on my worst fears.
My fears overpowered me, and so, I turned some good times into miserable times.

Last weekend taught me an extremely valuable lesson.
I realize now that nearly ALL of the hurt that I experienced over the last couple of months was not due to her being selfish or uncaring. It was simply her getting caught up in the moment - just having a good time - that's all.

And so, I find myself wishing that I could un-do (or better yet, re-do) these last months.

There is no reason to have bruised feelings - - and there never was.
There is no reason to question her fidelity - - and there never was.
There is no reason to feel mistreated - - and there never was.

So, I go back mentally, and look at my behavior, and it makes me sick.
My lack of trust, my lack of confidence - it started a whole series of painful episodes.
And I can't help but think that we missed out on some really good times together.

I couldn't fault her if she gave up on me.
Lord knows I'm not an easy person to love.
But as long as I'm still breathing, as long as I can,
I'm going to try to make it right.

I've learned so much over the last few weeks.
About filling myself up with love, so I won't end up draining love from her.
About listening - really listening - and how doing that makes her feel appreciated.
About telling her all of the things I appreciate about her, and letting go of past issues.

There is no more hurt or fear in here anymore.
There is only an empty space.
She stood there once.
Beside me.

Fear came between us.
And I let it
(hell, I fed it).
Time for the fear to end.

I love you, Eve.
I am not afraid of you anymore.
I don't want you to fear me either.
Can we get there from here?

No comments: