Self-Diagnosis?

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh // I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away // I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well // I wanna hold you high and steal your pain // 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome // And I don't feel right when you're gone away <...Seether+Amy.Lee,"Broken"-Lyrics-Listen...>

Day 6.

Intelligence can be a curse sometimes. While most of my mind has been intoxicated with memories of her, there also exists an annoyingly persistent voice; a nagging old man that keeps trying to talk me down from the ledge.

"Doug - you don't want to do this - you're letting your emotions get the better of you // remember the last time - you don't want another episode like that, do you? // We've been through this before. You have a great mind. Trust your mind. You know that this situation could never work. // Think about it logically. Life is not a fairy tale. It was a nice little dream, but it's time to let it go. // What you are experiencing is a temporary euphoria, a chemical reaction. You are only setting yourself up for disappointment later on. // You should know better. Play it safe. Come back inside. // You might get hurt, and nobody wants that."

Screw that.

I want to rush in - I want to risk it all. I've been "mister responsible" for more than a decade. I've done my duty, went above and beyond the call. I've paid my penance for this life and the next; God knows. And you - you have the nerve to ask a man who has crossed the desert on hands and knees to be satisfied with a little sip of ambrosia??? To hell with you - I will grab that cup with both hands, and drink until I burst. If it kills me, so be it - I will die happy knowing that I was true to my heart. Far better to feel pain than to feel nothing at all. Damn your logic - love knows no logic. If I let this chance pass me by, I would die a thousand deaths from now until eternity.

"You're just being dramatic."

And you're a friggin' iceberg. How long do you think you can float out there before your whole world melts? Does it work for you that way? All white and pristine and lifeless?

"Yeah, okay - I'm an iceberg. And you're the Titanic, pal."

Whatever. You act like you're such a bigshot - like nothing can hurt you, and yet you're the one who is scared. To put yourself out there, to voyage into the darkness at full speed, knowing deep down that you are NOT unsinkable, that takes real courage.

"Courage won't be much of a comfort when she's floating away on a lifeboat and you're sinking to the bottom of the ocean."

Can we drop the analogy? I never really cared for Leonard DeCaprio.

"All right. I'm just saying - you talk like you are willing to risk it all for this person, and you hardly even know her. Don't you think that's being just a little unrealistic?"

Maybe, but where's the harm? I feel more alive now than I have in years. I've got new motivation. I have a dream that I can look forward to at the end of the day. I have a hope.

"And you think she feels the same way?"

I don't know how she feels, but she seems interested. She could have avoided me, but she didn't. She also said some nice things along the way. I'm not expecting anything. The only thing I can do right now is be myself, and hope for the best. It takes time for people to get to know each other. There are lots of things I want to find out about her. I can be patient.

"Patience? Oh puhleeeeazze. I know how you think. Remember, I'm you!"

Well, it's not like I can just hop in the truck and drive up there. The distance between us is going to force me to take things slower, and that's probably for the better. Of course, I can still dream about being with her. No harm in that.

"So that's it then. I can't talk you out of this."

Nope. I've let you control my destiny for too long. I feel something here - it feels right to me. I'm going to follow this rainbow for awhile, and see where it leads me.

"Don't come crying to me if it doesn't work out."

Believe me. If it's meant to happen, everything will work out. I've seen it before, and when two souls unite, nothing can stop them. I know it's hard, but try to have faith. (I do.)

"It's 5am, you're sitting in front of your computer, and you're typing blog messages back and forth to yourself. You can call it faith, but from my point of view, you've lost your mind, pal - she isn't even part of this."

Wrong! - she just sent another email response ... yipeee!

"Oh jeez - she's encouraging him - this is hopeless. If anybody is reading this, please, please come rescue me. I am trapped inside the head of a madman ... help! help! Get me out of here!"

Mwaaah hahahaha !!!  I'm alive I tell you ... A-L-I-V-E !!!!