Condemned

I'll be the first to admit that I have some issues.
I've been through some hard stuff - it changed me.
Often, I have a hard time just letting go and having fun.
But I have never hurt anyone physically or emotionally.
I am a good man, I have dedicated my life to helping others.
My only crime is that I have poor self-esteem.
I think I came out pretty good, considering.

With her friends, I am viewed as a stiff corporate type. (I know, I hear the comments.)
But that's not it - - if you thank that's all there is, you don't know me at all.
I choose to play a supporting role in life. I help the people that I love to become stars.
It makes me feel really good to see them having fun and enjoying themselves.
I take care of people. Even people that hate me. I try to always do good and be better.

Lately, it feels like I am being tried and convicted in the court of personal opinion.
People who don't know me (and haven't really taken the time to try) are judging me.
They don't have the moral courage to say anything to me; instead, they're telling Eve.
According to her, they say I am bad for her, dangerous, downer, voodoo, whatever.

She tells me that other people's opinions do not affect her, but it clearly bothers her.
If the goal was to divide the two of us, it seems to be having the desired effect.
She is so fearful about making the wrong choice, that she needs the opinions of others.
I am so worried about making a good impression, that I can't even relax around her friends.

What are these people trying to accomplish? Why can't they just be supportive?
If ANY two people find each other in this frakkin' world, we should ALL celebrate!

I have never experienced this sort of ostracism and prejudice before.
Condemned by people standing on the sidelines, in the shadows.
These people smile to my face and then stab me in the back. Cowards.

I will not return the favor. I have my honor.
I will not stoop to that level.

My fear, in this scenario, is that she will trust their opinions (about me),
more than she trusts her own experience, her own observation, her own intuition.

And that thought makes me very sad, because I'm nottrying to win a popular vote,
and I probably have no chance to do so (especially with this group of people).

I'm just a real person (with flaws) in love with another real person.

If I am going to be judged - - if that is how it has to be,
then I want it to be from her.
She has the right. Only her.
At least she took the time to get to know me first.

Bits and Pieces

Random thoughts banging around in my head tonight:

First appointment 7am, last one 7pm = busy day tomorrow. It takes a while to really come together again, but we're getting a little closer each time. I bought two books today; and I'm actually going to read one of them. My honey got a solid job interview (yaaaay!). She is / I am / we are blessed. If the past couple of weeks has taught me anything, it is the importance of friends in my life. I really like making new friends. I think I'm going to start doing a lot more of that. Money is only a conduit to something else that you want; focus on the end result, and the money will come. What's wrong with wanting to run a jet ski rental shop? I never thought I'd live to be this old. Down to 225 lbs and still losing weight. nothing fits anymore, everything is baggy. Almost time to buy some new clothes. How would I look with blonde streaks? I look around at the things that I have collected, and I don't want any of them. I want to get rid of everything and start over. I wish I had more money sometimes. Once, when I was in the Army, a girl wrote me a song. I don't care whether you're good or bad; I love the person underneath. Why do I feel so lonely sometimes? I have absolutely no talent at all for picking out gifts; this is a new phenomenon; I used to be pretty good at it. No matter what people say, I am actually pretty happy with my job, and I'm good at it. Magic is all around us; magic is inside us; all we have to do is believe, and "blink", it becomes reality. (Powerful stuff). I can't make you like me any more than you already do. Is she wonderful simply because she is changing, or is she changing into something simply wonderful? I do love her; she is the living combination of all events in my life up to now. Better to create or better to exist? Hmmm. My son is almost grown. Sleep is the antidote for sad. <goodnight>

She's always a woman

Click here to watch music-video on YouTube

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe you
And she'll take what you'll give her as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me

{Chorus}
Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me

mmm-mm-mmm

(chorus)

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

mmm-mm-mmm

(Song and Lyrics by Billy Joel, 1977 from "The Stranger")

Marco (Polo?)

The party was a tremendous success. We both had a lot of fun.

Clearly, each of us is capable of functioning (quite well) as individuals.
We have successfully proven that we don't really NEED each other.
We can do things separately, and we won't self-destruct or fall apart.
This relationship has survived multiple tests over a short period of time.
I should be thrilled that everything turned out so well.

Q: "So why am I feeling this way - - what more could I possibly want"?
A: "I'm still wanting a friend and partner to do things with."
<sigh>

Redemption?

We all went to a big party last night.
In the past I've been so afraid of offending her (or her friends).
That I've ended up panicked and "clingy" and needy.
And therefore, ended up offending both her and her friends.

This time I came with a friend of my own (thank you, Keith)
I asked for and got some terrific hugs (thank you, Jen, Mary, Moon and Kat)
And I did okay. I didn't obsess about her. I had fun. (She did too; she told me).
I got to know a little more about her friends, and showed them a little more of me.

It felt nice to be supportive. It felt nice to be part of a wonderful day for her.
It also felt nice to be appreciated for my good quaities. (I do have one or two).

Giving Up Gracefully

The constant stress has taken it's toll.
I need to lighten my load before I fall apart.
Finally got a relief shift to take care of my boys.
Maybe there is a little bit of mercy left in God.

Don't want to screw up things with Eve.
Don't want to lose my awesome job either.
Need to step back and take care of myself.
Otherwise, there won't be anything worth saving.

Don't need a life-raft; I can make my way to the shore.
Just want to come out of the water.
Just need some rest before I go back.
So tired.

How Givers Become Takers

To: All Men Who Have Feelings and Emotions
Re: Extremely Important Message

Some of you may have already discovered the things I am about to tell you, but many have not. I didn't figure it out until very recently, and my ignorance could very well mean that I have ruined my relationship. The love that I waited for all my life is slipping away, and it might be too late.

Men: Learn from my mistake. Read This Message. Apply it to Yourselves.

Question 1 - Do any of these sentences apply to you?
- I take better care of other people than I do myself.
- I do not love myself. In fact, I'm not even sure if I really even like myself.
- I'm tough on myself. I don't spend much time on myself. Sometimes I mistreat myself.
- I do not believe in myself. I'm a lot more insecure than people might know.
- If there is a God, I don't believe that God really loves me.

Question 2 - Do you consider yourself to be a "giver"?
Question 3 - Are you in a loving relationship?

Ready for the twist?
(Spin this page counter-clockwise 180 degrees)

From HER perspective, I am (and you are) "emotionally needy".
In other words, my current partner sees me as a "taker" and NOT a "giver".

Right now, you're saying to yourself "That's not me - I don't take anything for myself - I give it ALL away to other people. In fact, I take nothing for myself. I give and give and give. I am a giver, not a taker." 

Hmmm - if you're at all like me, you probably are a generous and giving person. In fact, you probably give it ALL away. Every last ounce. All of your love, your energy, your time, your money, everything - you give it all away, until there's nothing left. No doubt, your partner receives the majority of that "giving", so you probably feel confident that she will view you as a "giver" instead of a "taker".

** WRONG! ** Read that last paragraph again. Who did you leave out? (Hint: did you save enough for yourself?)

"That's selfish. I don't really need anything for me. I give until there's no more to give."

Let me spell it out for you, Einstein. If you give it ALL away, and you aren't leaving anything for yourself, then you are a "taker" from HER perspective.

That's right. You can't survive without love, so where is it going to come from? Well, if you are like a lot of men, you are receiving it from someone else. If that other person is your partner, then they are going to consider you a "taker". They may not tell you that, but they definitely think it, and let me tell you, they do not like it. Some of them will put up with it for a while, but they will inevitably learn to resent the situation, and little by little, they will learn to resent you.

Hey - try this on for size:

The two of you go to a social event, you find yourself feeling left out, abandoned, forgotten. You become clingy and whiney and needy. She seems to be having a lot of fun, but you are absolutely miserable. What do you do? Maybe you sulk in a corner. Maybe you drown it in alcohol. You're hurting, and you can't understand why it hurts so much. Maybe you're like me; you think you're being an emotionally responsible person by "talking about" the things that make you feel bad or hurt.

** WRONG! ** Do not do this !!!

First of all, stop thinking of yourself as a giver in the relationship. At this point, you are not a giver at all. If you don't have enough love to sustain yourself, then you are totally dependent on HER. When you are totally dependent on her, you are seen as a "taker".

Here's the "why" of why it hurts so much - from my own experience.

All of the answers in question #1 are TRUE for me. In other words, I have created a situation where my only source of love, and significance, and tenderness comes from other human beings (not even God gives me comfort. My fault, not his).

Just like a child, I am entirely dependent on on other people's generosity when it comes to love. I try to earn their love, by being cute, or clever, or hard-working: whatever it takes to get love the love I need; the love I crave. Yes, as strange as it seems, "I", a man who considers himself to be a very selfless "giver" - am totally and entirely dependent on other people for the single most important thing in life -- love. Without other people, I have no love. And without love, I die.

When I'm in a relationship, I look to my partner as being my sole "provider of love". I no longer worry about having to rely on other people's generosity. After all, since we're in a relationship, we give to each other, right? And it works out that way, too. As long as we're alone together, giving freely to each other, everything is wonderful.

Wonderful, right up to the point, where she turns her attention to other people, and then I start to feel left out. When my only source of love is missing, even for a little while, I panic. The fear of losing her - paranoia, really - takes over my brain. I turn into a whiney, needy, clingy, spineless dope - I rush to be by her side, at every function, in every conversation - I fall apart - at the worst possible moment - right in front of all her friends. So, what happens? Her friends think of me as a no-good taker. They don't see any of the good times. They see me at my weakest, at my worst. They rush in to protect her. They pull her away from me. I am left alone again. A victim of my own frailty.

Is this you too?
Well hang on - there is hope - keep reading.

Here is a recap of the problem:

Go back and look at your answers to question #1.

What is the common theme? Well, men like us don't love ourselves. Sure, we've all heard that if you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else, but we dismissed those sayings because we didn't believe them. (Those words weren't directed toward people like us, right? Just a bunch of psychological mumbo-jumbo for people who want to cry about their childhood) - - So, we don't love ourselves, which means that we aren't generating a whole lot of extra love, but we give away whatever we have, and we don't save anything for ourselves, and we aren't budgeting enough for our own survival, so we become takers, from the people that we love most, because everyone needs love to survive, and when we are in survival mode, we panic.

Hitting close to home?
Ouch?
Good!

Here is the solution:

(1) Start loving yourself. You are giving love away to other people, but you are not giving any to yourself. C'mon. It's really not too hard to start loving yourself. First of all, stop trying to kill yourself with cigarettes and alcohol. Start eating better. Stop breaking your back at work all the time. Give yourself time to sleep. Start working out. Maybe (gasp!) even buy yourself something - something nice - something that isn't really intended for someone else. {I'll buy this screwdriver, so I can fix the basement doors. I'll buy this shirt, because she would like the way it looks on me. = "Not Just For You"}.

(2) If you really start to love yourself, then you won't be terrified of being without love. In fact, you will ALWAYS have love. Then, if you feel like your partner isn't paying attention to you, you won't go into a "panic", You'll know deep in your heart that no matter what happens, you will never run out of love, so you will not die for lack of love. What's that? Yes, you can actually survive on your own! You are no longer dependent on "doing things" to get love. You are no longer begging other people to fill a void that you created. You want to talk about self-reliance and how liberating that can be? That's the ultimate freedom, pal. Imagine it. You have an endless supply of love, forever. You can never run out.

(3) If you love yourself, then you'll actually be a much better partner. Why? Well, first, you'll stop being so frakkin' needy. When you become emotionally self-sufficient, you will no longer be completely dependent on her, and she won't feel like you're always draining her. In fact, you will both be liberated from the deadly effects of "lack of love syndrome". Plus, when you spend a little bit of that love on yourself, you'll actually start generating MORE love to share with other people, including - ta-da - your partner! Imagine having that much love. Wow.

Like I said, this has been a hard lesson for me - probably the hardest yet.
I just figured it out, and I'm already starting to work on it.

It took a while to put all the pieces together.
Smoking, lack of sleep, overworking myself, poor food choices, etc. etc.
Since I obviously don't love myself, I have no reserve capacity (for ME).
No reserve means I can't survive (even for a day) without her love.
And that makes me needy. And that makes me a taker. That pushes her away.
But in everything else in life, I am a giver. The taker part doesn't fit.
So it's time for me to change. Time to fix this.

Honestly, it may be too late for me to salvage my relationship, to redeem myself.
But if I ever hope to find a real and lasting love, someone that will stay by my side.
I have to learn to love myself  FIRST.

Wow - that sounds kinda fruity and cliche', huh?
But it's absolutely true, I swear.

Look out - Doug's going to change again!
I can't change anyone else. I can only change myself.
I always strive to be better. It's hard sometimes.
But - this change is going to be spectacular!
I will finally have the love I need - the love I deserve.
I will no longer be a "taker". I will be self-sufficient, a "giver" in all things!
I will finally be able to fly. Hey - maybe we'll both have wings!

Last one in the Cocoon is a rotten egg!!
-Doug-